How Long Is Too Long to Wait for a Proposal?

Our first listener question comes from a woman who's been with her boyfriend for 9 years and is wondering if she's wasting her twenties waiting for a proposal. 

In this episode, Nicole and Joel unpack one of the most common relationship conundrums:  How do you know if you're patiently waiting...or being strung along? 

They discuss:

• Why the length of a relationship isn't always the biggest red flag
• The difference between patience and moving the goalposts
• Why bringing up marriage isn't "pressure"
• How family history can influence someone's views on commitment
• Why love alone isn't enough to build a healthy, lasting marriage

 If you've ever questioned whether to keep waiting, start the conversation, or finally walk away, this episode will give you a fresh perspective on commitment—and the confidence to trust your own timeline. 

Do you have a dating or relationship question you'd like us to tackle on the podcast? 

We'd love to hear from you.

Want more dating advice between episodes?
Follow Nicole on social media
Facebook & Instagram: @iamnicolepowers
TikTok: @datingpowers 

Transcript

Joel 0:04

Welcome back to Share the Pants. Today I'm super excited because we're getting into some listener questions. Something I'm really excited about. Something I'm probably most excited about to do on this podcast. Me too. Get into what's going on in your lives.

Nicole 0:21

And uh yeah. You know, when I was little, I wanted to have like a dear Abby column. That was like one of my dreams. And this feels like that.

Joel 0:28

Yeah.

Nicole 0:29

Dear Joel and Nicole.

Joel 0:31

That's right. So she's the dating coach. So you get some real professional advice from her end, and you'll get me who's just out there in the world seeing things the way I see them.

Nicole 0:39

Yeah, which is Joel has like the best radar for douchebags and things that are not gonna end well. So I think your opinion is just as valuable, babe.

Joel 0:52

Well, thanks. I appreciate that. Okay, so today our first question is gonna be from McKenzie in actually the city we live in, Edmund, Oklahoma, which is pretty crazy.

Nicole 1:03

Totally crazy. We do not know McKenzie, and it's our first listener question, and it happens to come from our own city. It's a hometown question. I love it.

Joel 1:11

That's right.

Nicole 1:12

So McKenzie asks, Is nine years too long to be waiting for a proposal? And then she kind of has a second question here. Am I wasting my twenties? Now, McKenzie was generous enough to write us some more context for her question to fill us in on her love life and what's going on. So I'm gonna read you what she wrote. She says, My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 19. I'm about to be 28 this year, and we moved in together last year. We've spoken briefly throughout the years about marriage. His parents are divorced and remarried a few times while growing up. When we've discussed why an engagement hasn't happened yet, his answer is that he wants me to be happy with my job. I started a new job and I love it. I'm starting a program to finish my SLP degree. It's been maybe four months, but in the back of my head, I'm like, well, I've made all these changes that he asked for, right? And I don't want to bring the topic back up. I don't want to pressure or beg someone to propose to me. It does hurt that I listened to him, made the changes, and he hasn't brought it back up. There has to be another reason, and I don't want to wait another nine years, l-ol. Great question, McKenzie. Thank you so much for writing in. Joel, what do you think about this?

Joel 2:30

Yeah, well, you know, generally nine years, my instant reaction to nine years is like, too long. Yeah, too long, way too long. You should know by now whether you want to get married or not. So there's a lot to unpack here.

Nicole 2:45

Yeah. And I agree. I think, you know, if we were just looking at just is nine years too long, if that was the only thing we had, easy. We'd both be like, too long. And at the same time, there is always an exception to the rule, right? There's always like the outliers where nine years is the perfect amount of time. Right. But I would say, generally speaking, way too long. Yeah.

Joel 3:07

Everyone's different. You know, not the timelines are different for everyone, that's for sure. And the context that you're young, 28 right now, does change things. You know, makes it to where that's a more reasonable timeline.

Nicole 3:22

Yeah, I don't really think anybody should be getting married. I mean, I think some people know themselves really well and are already grounded in who they are in their 20s, but most people aren't. Most people when you're in your 20s and you don't know it when you're in your 20s, you see it when you're like 32, 35. Like, I didn't know shit. I didn't really even have a full grasp on who I am, what I want. You're still developing. I think I can't remember when your brain actually is fully formed.

Joel 3:48

25.

Nicole 3:49

Yeah. And 28, like 28's a really interesting year in like spiritual terms and astrological terms. Something happened for everybody. Like 28's usually a big year. And it's usually a life-changing year for a lot of people. So I think this is a pivotal time for McKinsey for you to be asking this question. And I don't think, like, just to, you know, answer your second question, am I wasting my 20s? I would say no, because everything's a learning experience for me.

Joel 4:23

Like, yeah. So I don't think wasting your 20s is the right way to put it.

Nicole 4:28

No. And I think that, yeah, if you as long as you take everything that you learned from this relationship with you when it if it ends, right? Like we're not here to tell you to break up with this guy or not.

Joel 4:40

But us in our 40s, we can, you know, we can tell you that we look back at any of those times as like, oh, well, I learned a lot from that, and I am who I am because of those examples. What happened through these years, no matter what you were doing.

Nicole 4:53

Yeah, absolutely. But I think 28 is a pivotal year. And I think when, you know, you move into 2930, like you're gonna, it's gonna be a totally different ball game. And so this is a potent time to be asking this question, I think. And more will be revealed. Like you'll know. You'll either relate to that part or not. But 28's a is a potent year, just FYI. Right. One of the things I wanted to talk about is, you know, it the the red flag here for me is the part where when you asked him, you know, why it hasn't happened yet, and he puts it on her, he puts it on you of like, well, I want you to be happy in your job before we get married.

Joel 5:39

Which first of all, I hate that I hate that. This isn't having kids. Like, that's a good, that's a much better answer for having kids.

Nicole 5:47

Agreed.

Joel 5:48

Is like, okay, you're j, you know, we need to be where we want to be financially in our careers. Fine. I totally, you know, get that. But for marriage, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Nicole 5:58

Yeah.

Joel 5:59

I mean, does it doesn't make a difference on whether you know, whether you're renting an apartment or buying a house or whatever you're doing, like especially because you guys live together now.

Nicole 6:08

Right. So he's already taken that step. And I understand, like, I think there's probably a very big divide on people that think you should absolutely live together before you get married and people who think you should not, right?

Joel 6:19

Yeah, I'm gl I'm really glad you're doing that, that's for sure. I, you know, big advocate of you need to live together because there's gonna be things that come up that you gotta see if you can work through them uh before you get married, and and then you're like, oh shit, I didn't even realize this about this person.

Nicole 6:35

Yeah, and I could make a case for either thing. Like I have lived with men and regretted it. I've lived I lived with Joel. We lived together before we got engaged, and that was a really good decision on our part. So I think it can go either way. Part of the reason we did move in together though is because that was a deal breaker for Joel. Yeah, he felt really strongly about it, and I didn't feel as strongly, so I let him I let him have his way on that one. And he's let me have my way on plenty of things too. We we do that for each other. But I like, yeah, I d I I love what you said, Joel. I love that, like, why should that matter? I don't know. I don't understand that either. But I think the bigger thing is like he's putting it on you and not on why he's not ready. That to me is a red flag. That's blaming. It's I feel like it's like kicking the can down the road, like, oh, okay, well, in order to do this, you have to, it's like dangling a carrot. Like you have to do this thing first, and then you've done it, and the carrot seems to have moved. And that's what carrot dangling is. You know, somebody will just dangle the carrot and you'll try to catch it, and they back up and dangle it some more. And before you know it, you know, I think you're smart to not want to waste another nine years. I don't think you would do that, to be honest. I don't think anybody would waste 18 years. Maybe. Maybe it does happen. It does happen. But you know, I think if you're asking this question, McKinsey, you're smart enough to to not wait another nine years. Yeah. And I think that's something you should maybe decide pretty soon.

Joel 8:05

But it sounds like to me that the it hasn't been brought up since she got the new job and she has a lot of money. No, it's been about four months. Yeah, she loves her new job.

Nicole 8:13

But what do you think? Like, is four months enough? If that was the real reason, yeah, you think he would have proposed within the four months?

Joel 8:19

Like that's I mean, she he could be he could be working on getting a ring right now. He could be saving up or he could be planning a proposal, who who knows? But but it I mean, I'm a huge, huge advocate for talking about getting married before a proposal. And so like bringing it back up, it's so it sounds like it's been at least six months. Yeah, not to bring it back up since you've brought it since you've talked about it, and you you have to bring it back up.

Nicole 8:46

Yeah, that makes sense.

Joel 8:46

See, and I'm more in the mindset of like maybe it would be a total surprise or it could be, but yeah, that's possible, but like for me, I you know, I just I don't want to A, I don't want to just put myself out there and and get down on one knee and and get shot down. Nope. Like I, you know, I think think our lives we need to, you know, we should know. I feel like you should know whether you want to get married or not before proposing.

Nicole 9:11

I agree. And still, even no matter what he's up to, like I think still, McKenzie, the thing that you should be cautious about is if he's gonna blame you and set goals for you in order for to give you what you want before you get married, he's gonna do that behavior inside a marriage. So do you want that? Like, to me, that I like that's a red flag to me. I don't wanna be with someone who blames me. I don't want to be with someone long term. I don't want to have a life with someone who's going to dangle that carrot and keep moving the mile marker. Like that would be so stressful. And I hear, I mean, she says it hurts that I listened, I made the changes, and he still hasn't brought it up. Yeah. And that pain will continue because in some way he's conditioning you to do that.

Joel 10:04

And you shouldn't feel like you're pressuring him or begging him, like no, no girl wants to feel that way. But I just mean you shouldn't feel like that just by asking him again.

Nicole 10:14

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joel 10:15

Bringing it up again is not pressuring. He's not doing that.

Nicole 10:18

It's just no, it's just a question.

Joel 10:20

Yeah.

Nicole 10:20

Yeah. Yeah. So I think so, Joel, you think she should ask? Like okay. So Mackenzie, yeah, first step, ask him. And if I were you, I might actually spend some time in my journal or in thought, however you like to process things, and really get curious about what you want to ask him. What are you actually curious about? Because the mistake a lot of people make is they come in hot with their partner, like, you said if I did this, then this was gonna happen, kind of in a and that can be pressuring. That can be, you know, kind of like holding his feet to the fire. And it sounds like you don't want to do that, but asking him a genuine curiosity is not pressure. And then step two, also if I were you, I would decide in my own mind what a deadline is for making a decision of if I'm gonna stay in this relationship or I'm gonna go. Like, you know, if you're not ready to take any, if you're not ready to ask him or you're not ready to take any action, how long are you willing to wait? And I would get clear on that if I were you and I would try to stick to it, which doesn't mean when that deadline happens, you have to do something, but at least you're like, okay, I'm gonna check back in with myself about this. Yeah. Another thing I would strongly recommend is think about have you seen this pattern uh of him blaming you, setting up, you know, goals for you to achieve in order to get what you want. Is this a one-time thing that's only on this topic, or has he done this to you before? And if he's done it to you on other topics, like girl, I'm sorry, but get the fuck out of there. And then the other thing I think too, like one of the things you said that we didn't address in your in telling us your story is that he has parents who have been divorced and remarried a few different times. And so, you know, rather than saying, I've watched my parents get divorced and remarried, and I'm scared of marriage, I I'm not sure if I want marriage, it sounds like instead of really owning his stuff, he's just deflecting it onto you, and that concerns me.

Joel 12:36

Yeah, me too. I agree. Oh, because we both we came from two different backgrounds when it comes to that. I my parents were married until my dad died.

Nicole 12:46

And and my mom was barely married. I mean, my mom got divorced, yeah, when I was an infant, and then she remarried one more time when I was in middle school, but not for very long. So she's been a single, yeah. I had a single mom pretty much my whole life, and so one of us comes from a broken home and one of us doesn't, but neither one of us had concerns that would have prevented us from marrying our person. Right.

Joel 13:09

Because I the way I look at it is you learn your lessons from from those relationships.

Nicole 13:14

Yeah.

Joel 13:14

That's not your relationship, that's not who you are. That's you can take what you want to take from that. I took plenty of the negatives from my parents' relationship and turned that in. I never want to act the way my dad acted towards my mom a lot of the time. And yeah. And I'm so grateful that you did that because you know so whether you learn it from a positive, you know, right role model or or you learn and you learn what not to do. Learn what to do and what not in my case, I saw both. You know, I got examples of both ways. But yeah, just take whatever lessons you can from that.

Nicole 13:50

Yeah.

Joel 13:50

And yeah, but and again, you know, people are people are different, and it sounds like he's got some shit he needs to work out with the therapist about those issues.

Nicole 14:01

Yeah. It does sound like he has some stuff, some work to do, but that's not your work to do. And so you get to decide how long you're willing to give him on that. You know, is he even willing to look at his own stuff? Is he willing to do the work to heal? And, you know, I think that's one of the things that took me a really long time to make a non-negotiable that I wish that at your age, I wish I had known this. That if someone isn't willing to look at themselves and do their own work, they're not a good partner. They're not a healthy partner. And so, for you know, for a long-term lasting marriage. And and I imagine if you want to get married, it's not just because you want a wedding day, it's because you want the real thing. You want a real healthy, beautiful, long marriage, which we want that for you too, if that's what you want. And you gotta pick the right partner to get to have that. And and that partner has to be willing to own their shit and work through their shit. Right.

Joel 14:56

So and hopefully you're in love, you know, y'all are in love, and that solves a lot of you know, a lot of these other issues. If it's just strictly are we gonna get married or not, you know, problem.

Nicole 15:07

Right. But I mean, I think if somebody's dragging their feet, usually that's not the only thing on board. And I am a big believer that love is not enough. Love cannot. It it doesn't matter.

Joel 15:21

I agree, but it's a huge benefit.

Nicole 15:23

It is a huge benefit, but anybody can love you. Not everybody's gonna respect you, care for you, provide for you, make your life easier and more peaceful rather than you know, causing a bunch of pain along the way. Like, yeah.

Joel 15:36

Well, in my opinion, all that is being truly in love. It's true if you act like that towards your partner. You should be acting like that towards your partner if you're truly in love.

Nicole 15:46

I agree, but that is not reality.

Joel 15:48

Yeah, right.

Nicole 15:50

That's the fairy tale version of love, which we have, and I'm so grateful we have it. So it's easy for us to like, you know, be like, well, if somebody really loves you, they'll treat you right. But I've I've you know, I grew up with people who really loved me who treated me like fucking shit, and then I dated them. So I have a slightly different perspective on that one. Well, McKenzie, thanks so much for your question. And we can't wait to do this again. Yeah.

Joel 16:15

So give us an update. Go back to that same link and if you know, we'd love to hear what happened.

Nicole 16:20

Yes. I we would love to hear what happened. So yeah, keep us updated and for the rest of you, send in your questions and we will And just one one one final thing to add.

Joel 16:31

You're not wasting your 20s. So I just want to reiterate that strongly. You know, I I agree with Nicole on on set a timeline, set a you know, set a date, set all it and again, you don't have to be strict about it, but at least it gives you something to like a container to work with.

Nicole 16:51

Right. Yeah, like I'm willing to give it this much more time, but not forever.

Joel 16:55

Yeah.

Nicole 16:56

And so, yeah.

Joel 16:58

All right.

Nicole 16:58

All right, hi five, Joel.

Joel 17:02

Bye.